Here's What I Don't Like

- insomnia, for one.
- that feeling of resentment you get toward your spouse when you want something that they have no idea you want and no way to provide it but you want it just the same and damn it, why can't they read your mind and change everything for you??
- that my cat is biting his fur off in huge patches, all the way down to the skin, and that the hippiedippie happy cat pheromone plugin the vet sold me for 3 times what I could have bought it on Amazon has done nothing to make said cat less anxious and therefore will probably need to be put on kitty prozac for the rest of his poor, anxious kitty life. WHY kitty WHY???
- that I haven't updated my blog in forever because I can't complete coherent thoughts anymore.
- that my chemical menopause holiday seems to be getting ready to end because the hormones seems to be surging and all I ever want to do is stomp, kick, cry and pout for the last week or so. The party is over.
- that I can't just go back to Berlin, where there was apple cake and bouillabaisse and misty rain and dark, romantically dangerous alleys, at the end of which there were crumbling walls and whiskeys.
- that I'm too much of a social retard and wuss to go over and tell my tenant to turn her fucking tv DOWN! It's past 1am and I can hear it through the walls. TOO LOUD!
- that I have finally found the perfect, and I do mean PERFECT foundation for my skin, YSL Perfect Touch #4, and it costs way too much for me to buy on a regular basis, hence my abuse of the Sephora sample system, which I am pretty sure they are on to me about.
- did I mention the hormones? and how they are back? and how I went from having the most wonderfully sane and emotionally stable 4 months of my life and now it is all gone in the blink of an ovary's eye.
- all of this and more, my darlings, all of this and more.

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In Which She Dreams of Berlin

I have been to Texas, I have been to California, I have been to Berlin. I am home, safe and sound with a suitcase full of chocolate after a million miles, many indulgences and a few airplane seats that smelled of pee. I am trying to convince myself that I don't need to move immediately to Berlin, oh how it speaks to me.

I need to get my brain back in gear and tell you of my travels. And of my my lovely meals. And the narrow alleys of Berlin Mitte filled with graffiti and amazing textiles and tiles. And the spectacular light and air and the tiny, hidden shops full of Rick Owens and Yamamoto sweaters with too many or not enough arms. I was in heaven. *sigh* Heaven.

But I am a slacker and I haven't the wherewithal to do it now. I know. I'm the worst blogger ever. It is well established.

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Housewarming?

I know, I know. I appear to have abandoned my blog.

Look, my mind is not right lately. There was all the excitement of the house hunting process, then the packing and moving and unpacking. There is the chemical menopause thing which is still in progress. It was fine at first but now it's month three and it's getting hard to sleep because of the extreme HOT and the headaches. I have begun having hot flashes and night time is the worst. I have the AC thermostat extra low, the ceiling fan blowing and no pj's and I still toss and turn all night, feeling as though I'm going to combust. If any part of my skin touches any other part of my skin (say leg touching leg or arm touching torso) it's the worst. BURNING HOT! I still think that I am wildly fortunate. I have been nearly side-effect free and those I have had are mild compared to what many women report. Still... HOT! Can't SLEEP! Head HURTS! ETC!

Next week, I will go in for a doctor visit to learn how it all panned out and what we will do next.

So, there is that.

Then, there is that I still can't seem to get unpacked or settled and the house still looks like hell and I don't know when I'm going to be able to get it all worked out.

Then, there is that Wife is about to lose her job because a company has just bought hers that intends to tear it apart and sell it for scrap. We will lose our health insurance. Stressful. I am trying not to agonize because as we know, it is really rather pointless. Things will be OK, eventually... yes?

My beloved, one and only nephew has just been diagnosed with schizo affective disorder, a combination of schizophrenia and a mood disorder such as depression. This is often a deadly combination, I am learning, as there are often suicide attempts (there have been already). Again, I am trying very hard not to agonize, but this is a tough one. It makes me cry a lot. It triggers a lot of emotions from childhood. Terribly difficult emotions. I am very worried about his future and it breaks my heart that he must endure this. I love him very much and I cannot make any of it better. I hate it and it's not fair.

In times like this, my brain shuts down communication and I must hide. I practice avoidance of... well, nearly everything. It is hardly an effective coping mechanism but one I apply liberally nonetheless.

Fortunately, there is always the 5 Small Things to turn to and now is as good a time as ever to do so because really, even with all the above stressing me, my life is quite, quite wonderful and it's nice to be able to think about that instead.

1. International Best Friend has invited me to Berlin for a visit at the end of September. She has, very generously, paid for my airfare. I am thrilled. I can't wait to go.

2. Moved Away Best Friend has had her baby, a gorgeous moon-faced little boy. I could gobble him all up. Mmmm, babies! Of course, I haven't yet seen him in person, but the photos are gobbl-icious.

3. My sister, the corsetier, will make me a few pieces of clothing for my trip. What a huge treat. We are thinking pencil skirt, vest and day dress but we are still considering.

4. Chocolate croissant.

5. Our tenants (our house includes a rental) are excellent. They pay on time (in advance even) and are, coincidentally, a lesbian couple which makes for an excellent combination of self-sufficiency and care in keeping things nice. Perfect first tenants, I think. Our new venture into being landlords will be made easier because of it.

I would like to have a house warming party. I have so many questions. Does one need to have seating for every guest? How does one determine how much food and drink to provide? What would people DO when they are here? Must I provide ..eh, stimulation? Will they just mingle of their own accord?

I have no social skills. I have never thrown a party before. I have never even been to a house warming party. Is this a bad idea? Please advise.

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It Doesn't Yet

The thing is, moving has short circuited my brain. This is Day 13 in the new house and we are still living like squatters. I lost the hardware for putting my bed back together for the first week. Once I found it, I was too tired to do anything about it. Putting a wrought iron bed together using 150 screws and an allan wrench is not fun. It takes about an hour. Consequently, my mattresses are still on the floor.


The movers broke 2 of the legs of my old cypress (HEAVY) armoire so now it's laying on it's side in my new bedroom, likely never to be used again. We have no closets in the bedrooms of the new house, only one closet in the whole place actually, and it's in the hall outside the bathroom. It doesn't come near holding all of our hangables. We need a new wardrobe and somewhere to put all the now misplaced foldables. We are too cash-poor, after paying all of the millions of expenses associated with the new house, to buy one at the moment so all of our clothes are lying on the floor and in boxes. Oh also, we had an electric dryer and this house can only accommodate a gas one, so we are sans laundry drying facilities until we take care of that. I need to rig up a clothes line for the interim, but still haven't had the time or energy. It is the thick of the New Orleans summer, so you can imagine how badly we smell, wearing unwashed clothes all week. The Stinkometer is on 10. Hopefully, we can make the 6 hour drive to Houston Ikea again soon, and get a wardrobe, but til then, we are unsettled and unsanitary.

I'm up to *here* with boxes. I'm way behind on my work because I've had to make so many phone calls and run so many errands in connection to the move. We don't feel settled, not by a long shot..... HOWEVER, our new house really is fantastic. We love it. We just want it to feel like home and it doesn't yet.

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30 Days of Grace

1. My sister is a corsetiere. An artisan, just astonishingly gifted. She has a waiting list a mile long. She made my wedding gown for me (that's me in the photo), which featured one of her lovely, lovely corsets. One of her clients has recently attended an event wearing one of her corsets and matching custom orchid covered neck collar and ran into Jean Paul Gaultier. He loved my sister's work and complimented the client on it. Gaultier!! Loves my sister's work! There are photos of them together (J.P. and the client) and a video of the entire exchange. I wish I could post it to show you, but it's not mine to do so with. Instead I'll just beam with pride and gush again "Gaultier loves my sister!"

2. Wife and I have bought our very own piece of New Orleans, house and land. We have bought a home in the place where our hearts belong. I keep wanting to pinch myself. We move in on Thursday. I'm up to my ears in packing hell and am exhausted, but I'm so happy!

3. Just finished eating a nectar cream and coconut snowball covered in condensed milk. Was deeeelicious.

4. It's my grandfather's 83rd? birthday today. Go grandpa!

5. If I hurry and do it right now, I might be able to sneak a tiny nap in. I'm going to try.

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29 Days of Grace

1. I can't believe I'm really beating this needle phobia thing, I've had almost my whole life. At age five, I was hospitalized for a week and got stuck so many times that by the time I was out, I was absolutely terrified of needles and have been ever since. A year ago, I was an absolute wreck at even the thought of having an injection. I can't tell you how many times I have fainted while having my blood taken, and not even during a big draw. Just a little poke. Countless. I've even fainted at the post office because I was thinking about my cat, who was at the vet, getting a shot. Suddenly the image popped into my mind of the needle and her poor, sweet self and there I went, sliding to the floor, fingers leaving trails of cold sweat on the counter. Embarrassing. I can't even watch it on TV. Wife tells me when to turn my head and I just don't look. However, I am doing SO WELL nowadays. Yesterday's Lupron injection was a piece of cake. Sure, I got a tiny bit panicky and had to put my head down, but that's only because I was being all ballsy and didn't even TELL the nurse I was scared ahead of time, like I normally do, so she prepared the needle right in front of me and it made me freak out a little bit. Other than that, I was A-OK. I have been doing amazingly well for a good while now. I pray like mad right beforehand, and I come out fine. It's great. Hopefully I will be able to do the self-injections for IVF like a champ. Hopefully. Hopefully.

2. I was warned that chemical menopause might make me gain weight. It has not. I have lost weight (4.5 pounds!) with zero effort. With, in fact, anti-effort. I have been eating chocolate and drinking beer and not skimping on servings at all, yet can suddenly fit into pants a size smaller than I have been able to wear for a year. It's super-fantastic. I'm the luckiest!

3. I finally got my lovely Staub cocotte. It is beautiful! Amazon had one on sale for 60% off. Pimento Rouge. MINE ALL MINE! I have already broken it in with a big batch of chicken pozole. I don't know what it says about me, that I am so deeply enamored of a dutch oven, but I am, I am.

4. Belgian Waffle VILLAGE FÊTE 2009! I wonder if I will have time to enter, what with the moving. I hope so. I came in at the tail end of it last year and didn't' know what to make of it all. This year, I feel it is only right that I participate in some fashion. Perhaps if I gather all fo the dust bunnies from under the furniture as we move, I can create a something huge and magnificent from them. We shall see.

5. Things are OK. I'm OK. At this time, last month, I was in a state of panic, wondering how I would survive. Turns out, I'm surviving just fine. Better than fine. It's wonderful.

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Obligatory Update Post

Ack! Two weeks gone by and no posting. I thought I'd be prolific last week because Wife was in Atlanta on business and I was home for three nights alone. What else would there be to do, other than blog? Seems there is a lot to do. It involves couch-sitting and stuffing my face with foods that wife would hate. It was fantastic. I had seafood all week. First night was salmon, bitter rapini and a macaroni salad loaded with celery. Wife detests celery. Second night was sushi, yummm. Third night was Thai seafood eggplant: sauteed scallops, calamari, prawns, mussels and sea bass with chilies, garlic, eggplant, bell pepper, and sweet basil. It was heavenly.

Later today, I go and have my second Lupron Depot injection. The treatment is going very, very well. I have had zero side effects so far. The only thing that may be attributed to it was a series of daily (pretty bad) headaches I got in the first two weeks. They came every afternoon, lasted all night and wouldn't go away, no matter what I took. I began to realize that they always arrived an hour or so after I took my estrogen supplement and Wife suggested that I take it before bed instead of at lunch. I can't be certain that the headaches were caused by the estrogen, but I do know that since I started taking it at night, I have had no problems. Success! Also, no hot flashes, no mood swings, no dizziness, etc. If the next two months are the same, then it seems all of my agonized fretting was for nothing. Yet again. When will I learn not to agonize?

House proceedings are moving forward. We should have closed at the end of this week but it has been pushed back until next Friday because certain home inspectors can't be bothered to MOVE THEIR ASS and get their inspection reports turned in in a timely manner. New Orleans is a city of procrastinators, and while I am usually happy to join the masses, there are times when it is deeply inconvenient. Like when it costs me an extra $1000 because my interest rate expired and needed renegotiating despite my constant haranguing and prompting. Fortunately, the new interest rate is slightly better than the old one and the fee will be up front, saving us more money in the long run, so it still works to our advantage eventually, but still... Hm. It sounds like I'm agonizing again, doesn't it? Ooph! Old habits die hard.

I have nothing clever or pretty or interesting to share, I'm afraid. Wish I did. Very sorry.

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